


Sleepless Nights

by thehighwarlockofbrooklyn



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spooning, sad bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 05:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2180490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehighwarlockofbrooklyn/pseuds/thehighwarlockofbrooklyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky tries to stay awake to rid himself of nightmares, just to recall how he'd come to where he is now, wrapped in Steve's arms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepless Nights

**Author's Note:**

> This sucks so sorry, this is my first Stucky fic

Ever since Steve had found Bucky over a year ago he’d felt like he’d finally found home again. Anyone who’d met Steve in the 21st century would tell you that he was a changed man once he was reunited with his best friend. 

After the whole Winter Soldier incident Steve had thought he was irreparable, broken beyond repair; he was nothing without Bucky. But when he’d gotten that call from Fury telling him they’d successfully rediscovered the Soldier he almost cried with joy and relief. Things we’re different of course and Bucky wasn’t the same, but it was manageable. Steve was happy. 

Bucky, after everything he had been through was traumatized and mentally scarred with grief and guilt. It had taken him months to finally open up and get out of his shell but even then he had kept up a wall that Steve thought he’d never be able to break down. Until he finally did and Bucky was his Bucky again. But things weren’t always rainbows and lollipops, Bucky still had trouble coping with things and it was hard for him to adjust to this new way of living. He wasn’t used to having his own opinion or his own choice. It was also the first time in a while that he could actually eat real food. 

When he’d first arrived at Stark Tower ( or the Avenger’s Tower as they liked to call it now) Tony had asked immediately if he could take a look at his metal arm which he reluctantly agreed to. He was sat in a chair, that closely resembled that of a dentist chair and his metal arm was strapped down. Bucky had never imagined he could feel so afraid. The feeling of being strapped in, as little as he was, made his mind go back in time to just months before. He didn’t ever want to be strapped down again, have that feeling of powerlessness. 

He’d proceeded to struggle until the strap holding him down snapped and he ran out of the room. Steve and everyone else in the room were completely flabbergasted at the intense reaction but said nothing as Steve stormed out of the room and after his friend. 

Bucky hadn’t known where to go after that and ended up three doors down in a lab type room. He’d sat himself on the ground, bringing his knees up to his chest and cradled his head in between his hands. Bucky tried to settle his erratic breathing by taking big gulps of air through his mouth and exhaling it through his nose. It helped, only mildly though. He hadn’t understood at the time that the reaction had been caused by post traumatic stress syndrome and merely thought himself a wuss for freaking out so drastically. 

He hadn’t expected Steve’s presence and reassuring hand on his arm to comfort him as much as it did and to this day he would still not admit that his breathing evened out because Steve was there, by his side. 

After a couple of visits with Tony and Dr. Banner they had deducted that his arm had been constructed beautifully although a few flaws still stood Tony had promised over time he would perfect his mechanized arm. Not that Bucky really cared. 

It took months for Bucky to actually trust the people around him, which was understandable to the rest of the Avenger gang considering the man had been forced into killing by an organization much like S.H.I.E.L.D. But even after his trust in them increased he still did not feel comfortable in their company, he didn’t even want to be around Steve much less these people he barely knew. But it wasn’t like he could just up and leave, that wasn’t an option. He didn't want to leave Steve as much as he told himself he did.   
Things got increasingly better when Bucky’s old memories started to resurface. He could finally remember Steve as a little guy, the pre-serum Steve and it had honestly helped him cope with being faced with this Steve. It made him understand why Steve trusted him so, why he wanted to help him. And it had made Bucky trust him tenfold, it had made him want to be around him. It was like a breath of fresh air, being given his memories back. It made him into a better person. 

After he had successfully received most of his memories he had become just like the old Buck Steve used to know. His sarcastic wit and quick comebacks were an addition to the smiling and rarely, but sometimes hugging. 

Things did get rocky again when Bucky remembered his fall, it had crushed Steve to witness Bucky remember. To this day the look on his face haunts his dreams. Bucky had looked heart broken, so saddened by the fact that that had been his downfall. Bucky couldn’t help think ‘maybe if I had of died in that fall all those people would still be alive.’ And that guilt has never subsided, not even slightly and Steve knows. He knows his best friend is suffering and he can’t do a damn thing about it. 

When he finally remembers it all, Bucky becomes old Bucky like the snap of a finger. Although he looks much different than he did back then he acts and jokes just like he did and Steve feels happy for the first time in months. 

When they’d hit that first year mark things changed again, although this time for good. He doesn’t remember what had spurred it on but one night when they’d been sitting together, lazily watching some rom-com Steve had blurted out that he was in love with his best friend. When he’d realized what he’d done he had sat, shocked and horrified, which Bucky had laughed at. After that they had just begun kissing, nothing else muttered just gasps and sighs as their lips moved together softly. 

Now, after everything they’ve been through all the hardship and troublesome times they are finally doused with a peaceful break. No more sad, suffering Bucky and no more worried and stressed Steve. They get to relax just the two of them, together. 

Bucky remembers all these things that have happened as he lies beside his sleeping lover. He watches him as his chest gently rises and falls, watches as his eye lids flutter as he dreams peacefully. Bucky wishes he could sleep so peacefully. But ever since he had come back to Steve he had fitful and restless nights. Nightmares caked his dreams and kept him from slumber. At most he got 4 hours of sleep a night. Not enough. 

Steve doesn’t notice though that Bucky can’t sleep and doesn’t notice during the day that he has bags under his eyes and lazes around most of the time. Bucky doesn’t want him to know either, so he doesn’t say anything. 

But now, in that moment as he watches his peacefully unaware boyfriend he wishes he knew, wishes he were awake with him now. He wishes he would comfort him. But he knew he couldn’t be so selfish, if Steve knew he had trouble sleeping and was wracked with nightmares he would worry and his worry would disturb his sleep and Bucky absolutely did not want that. 

So, he lays there on his side and stares tiredly at the room surrounding him, and the boy sleeping next to him. Every fibre of his being wishes he could just close his eyes and be sucked into the sweet currents of sleep, be gifted with a nightmare-less night but knows better than to actually close his eyes. He knows as soon as his lids close his mind’s eyes will be assaulted with images of things he wishes not to think about, of people he’s killed, of horrible thing he’s done. 

But now, in his conscious state he tries to think of happier things, things that bring light to his darkness. Like Steve. He smiles against his pillow at the thought of Steve being the light to his darkness. It was 100% true though as corny as it sounds. 

On days when Bucky can barely move off of the couch stricken with thoughts and memories he wishes not to rethink of Steve is always there to bring light to the situation, to take his mind off of horrible things. Even though Steve being there, making him happy and unaware it doesn’t change the fact that he did do those things and he is to blame for people’s deaths. Steve always makes him forget though, if it be taking him out for a run or to dinner or just staying at home watching a movie or merely talking. It always helps, just because he’s with Steve. 

And that’s how now, unable to sleep he can make this situation better by twinning his fingers through Steve’s and sitting in the eery silence. 

“Why are you awake?” The groggy voice on his right makes him jump a little. Bucky turns slowly back towards Steve and stares into his big blue eyes, the eyes baring worry and unease. “Is everything okay?”

Bucky nods, hair bellowing out around him on the pillow as he moves his head. “Yeah, just thinking is all. Go back to sleep.” 

Steve’s hand tightens around his and Bucky knows he won’t be going back to sleep now. 

“What are you thinking about?” Is Steve’s reply, voice still thick with sleep.

“You.” Bucky replies quickly, lips quirking up into a smirk that he hopes hides all the anguish in his own eyes. 

“Buck.” Steve says sternly and he knows he’s lost this one. 

“Can’t sleep.” Bucky replies pulling his hand back from the blonde man’s and turning away from him, back facing him. Bucky hears him shuffle closer and then he feels Steve’s chest pressed against his back, his arm winds around his waist and pulls him ever closer and he feels so comfortable in that moment. “Don’t make me comfortable, I might actually fall asleep,” he says yawning and Steve laughs, only lightly. 

“You don’t want to sleep?” Steve questions, confusedly. Bucky knows he’s got that little frown on his face when he’s worried and wishes he could kiss it away, but knows it won’t disappear till he knows Bucky’s okay. 

“No.” He doesn’t want Steve to know he doesn’t want to face the nightmares again but knows theres no other way. He can’t lie to him. “I don’t want to have nightmares again.”

“Again? Do you always have nightmares, Buck?” Steve asks, kissing the back of his neck softly. 

“Yeah, every night.”

“Do you ever get any sleep?” Steve’s worry sounds deeper now and Bucky frowns, saddened. 

“Yeah, I sleep just not that long.”

“How long?” His voice gets lower and Bucky knows its because he’s worried and sad. Sad that he hadn’t known his own boyfriend, who sleeps in the same bed as him can’t sleep through the night. 

“Maybe 4 hours a night.” Bucky whispers regretfully. 

“Oh Buck, why didn’t you tell me? I would have stayed up with you if you’d asked!” Steve sounds completely awake now and it makes Bucky’s heart ache cause it’s his fault. 

“I didn’t want to worry you, plus I’m okay. It doesn’t bother me.” Steve hums against his back, like he doesn’t believe him. Which he shouldn’t cause he’s lying. 

“I’ll stay up with you until you fall back asleep, alright?” Steve concludes wrapping his arms tighter around him and pressing his lips back to the back of Bucky’s neck. Bucky shivers and burrows back against Steve’s warmth.

“Okay.” Bucky closes his eyes and tells himself he will try to fall asleep, for Steve. The silence in the room doesn’t help though and after a moment he asks. “Can you tell me a story?” 

“Sure,” Steve simply replies smile clad lips still pressed against Bucky’s bare skin. “There once was a…” and then Steve proceeded to recount their story, leaving out the sad and painful parts and replacing them with little memories Bucky had almost forgotten about, of times the two of them had spent together. 

Bucky fell asleep that night, wrapped tightly in his boyfriend’s arms and the images of past memories playing behind his closed eye lids. He slept through the night, nightmare-less and peaceful. 

He made it a point from that point on to fall asleep with Steve’s arms fastened around him and his lips pressed against him.


End file.
